I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
