covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
