Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
