I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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