I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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