Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
