My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Sober January is a disaster.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
