I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
