last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
