toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
