Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
