I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
