NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
