Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
