is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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