Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
