stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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