a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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