I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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