in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i think i have two assholes
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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