my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
