Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
