just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
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