then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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