I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
