Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
