Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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