So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
