I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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