honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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