Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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