I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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