Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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