Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
babies were throwing up all over the place
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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