I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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