Tell her she can't have a vagina
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
