Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
