did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
