you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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