If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
