Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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