That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
