my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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