he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
