take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
