I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
