When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
