i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
