The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
