i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
